For many of us, the church has been a place of comfort, community, and spiritual growth. But for some, it has been a source of pain, betrayal, and even trauma. Maybe you have experienced church hurt yourself, or know someone who has. Maybe you’re skeptical that this is even a real issue. I know people who scoff at the idea of church hurt. So what is it? How do we identify it? And most importantly how do we minister to those who have been hurt?
I saw a meme this week on Facebook that said, McDonald’s can mess up your order 101 times and you still keep going back….. One thing goes wrong at church and you quit. Then it said at the bottom. People just aren’t hungry enough.
This is part of the problem when trying to address the issue of church hurt. Especially within a legalistic church. People are invalidated. Someone can experience a legit hurt in the church and when they bring that to someone they are told to get over it or to stop being sensitive.
This is a delicate topic that should be treated with care and wisdom.
So let’s dive in.
What is church hurt?
Church hurt and Spiritual Abuse are two terms that are used to define a traumatic experience at a church.
Spiritual abuse is when a spiritual leader uses their authority, charisma, position, and persuasion to manipulate those who follow them for their advantage and to the follower's detriment.
Church hurt and Spiritual abuse can be used interchangeably but I think it will be helpful in our discussion if we draw a distinction between the two. Spiritual abuse ALWAYS involves leadership, there is always a power dynamic involved. While church hurt can be caused by anyone in the body of Christ.
What are some examples of Spiritual abuse?
The most obvious is sexual sin, we’ve seen this a lot lately, pastors that we look up to, and leaders that we respect and admire falling into sexual sin. When this is someone you look up to this can be hard on your faith, but when you are the victim in this situation, it can be devastating to your faith.
What makes matters worse is that the church is often not equipped to handle this kind of issue. Often times the church can make the abuse worse by trying to cover up the abuse, trying to protect the image of the perpetrator rather than protecting the victim. This is mostly done accidentally, but we tend to want to cover up abuses because we either want to protect the image of the church, we don’t want to ruin someone's career or reputation, or we would rather err on the side of grace. While these are noble things by themselves when it comes to the issue of Spiritual abuse it can actually cause more harm to the victim because they end up suffering in silence while their perpetrator continues to lead.
If something is illegal, call the cops. The church is not supposed to try to handle these situations, especially if it involves a minor. We can’t lose sight of repercussions for the sake of grace and mercy. God can forgive a murderer, but that doesn’t mean he gets out of jail.
When we get this wrong it leaves the abused voiceless and helpless. Imagine a man abusing a woman in the church, and the leadership doesn’t want it to get out because they believe the abuser still has a call from God on their life. Now the victim has to either leave that church to heal somewhere else or watch her abuser be praised and exalted instead of being reprimanded for what he did. Is that Justice?
Micah 6:8 “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
Psalm 89:14 “Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you.”
The church is supposed to be a safe haven, especially for the ones who ended up a victim of spiritual or sexual abuse.
Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
This is the heartbeat of God, This is what Jesus came to reveal about himself and his Father. That he’s not some distant cosmic force out there somewhere in the universe, he’s not some mean judgmental God waiting for us to make a mistake so that he can punish us, but he is a loving and compassionate God who offers us an opportunity to give him our burdens in exchange for his rest.
Unfortunately, those who have been victimized by leaders don’t find this when they come to church. They are left with more burdens and even more weariness.
I often interact with people who attend legalistic churches and I point to this passage and ask them. Is this your experience? Do you walk out of service rested with your burdens lifted? If not you are probably not in a healthy church.
1st Peter 5:7 says “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”
God cares about our hurts and our pain. He wants us to give it to him so that he can heal us. This isn’t something we say to minimize the hurt, like telling someone, just pray about it. It’s recognizing that we need his love, his grace, his mercy, and his presence to help us to heal emotionally and spiritually.
I would like to say to anyone who has been a victim of spiritual abuse or to anyone who has been burdened by insecure, narcissistic leaders that I am sorry that you experienced that. I am sorry that you were wounded in the one place you came to be made whole. But I also want to encourage you, we serve a God who is close to those who are hurting.
Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”
This verse is a message of comfort and hope to anyone who has experienced pain, sadness, distress, or abuse. It reminds us that even in the most trying of times that God is with us and he cares for us. It’s a reminder that we can turn to God for strength, comfort, and salvation, no matter what he has experienced.
Just look at how Jesus confirmed he was the Messiah, he quotes from Isaiah 61,
Luke 4:18 “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor, he has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recover sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”
He comes on the scene speaking to his mission to heal and restore the brokenness of the world, and he invites the church to participate in that work. We need to show this love and compassion to those who are hurting.
Other examples are not as public but can be just as destructive.
Unreasonable overuse of volunteers or members. Church attendance is a requirement for members no matter how many services are going on during the week, to the point that you are told to miss family functions in order to be in church. I knew of a church where they had prayer every morning with a sign-up sheet for people to sign. If you wanted to go on a vacation you needed to have it approved by your pastor and he would check the sheet. If he felt that you weren’t attending as often as you should he would decline your request for vacation and ask you to be more faithful. This was not something reserved for paid staff, this was for every member.
Being unable to step down from a volunteer position. Asking to step down from a position because of burnout or just because you are not happy or comfortable in that position only to be told that we don’t just quit when we are going through stuff and that quitting isn’t an option.
High-controlling environments. Being told what to wear, where to go, who to date, what house to buy, what church you can attend, etc…
Public shaming. Pastor uses his sermon to correct and scold members when everyone knows who he is referring to.
Punishing those who disagree or disobey leadership. When someone gets out of line, they are made an example of in order to ensure the rest of the congregation submits to the leadership.
Fear tactics. This is a common one. Using scriptures out of context to instill fear into someone for not obeying a leader. When you call out misconduct or abuse you are told to touch not the lords anointed. Stories from the Old Testament are used to instill fear and respect for leadership. Stories like the ground swallowing up those in opposition to Moses, Leprosy striking Miriam for coming against Moses. This insinuates that God will punish you for disobeying your leader.
While these may seem like extremes they are very common in fundamental/legalistic churches. some people will even need therapy for spiritual abuse because of these kinds of situations. It's a serious issue!
Church hurt is more common and less extreme but because of its subtlety, it can be easier to ignore or dismiss. Church hurt is the emotional, spiritual, and physical harm caused by a church to others, regardless of intent.
This action could result from the church’s leadership or the actions of someone who self-identifies as a Christian. It could come from an in-person confrontation or an interaction online on social media. It might be one major wound or death by a thousand cuts.
Things like hypocrisy, exclusion, conflict, and disillusionment. All of things can cause us to experience church hurt in a subtle, but serious way.
A single mother whose church promised to stand by her, then disappeared after she got a divorce from her abusive husband.
A kind-hearted woman who was told that she would burn in hell if she made friends with the wrong kind of people.
A man who opened up about his struggles only to be told his depression meant he lacked real faith.
Why does it hurt so much?
The dynamic is so different than anything else. We trust people in the church, especially leaders, with our hearts and with our areas of vulnerability.
When the people whom we trust hurt us the effects are extremely painful and confusing. It hits us where we are most tender. Causing us to question both God and our own sense of worth. In some cases, the pain can cause us to wonder, “If the church can hurt me this deeply, then what does that say about God? Who is God anyway? Can He really be trusted?
I’ve seen the devastation church hurt can have on someone’s faith. I’ve watched people deconstruct their faith due to the abuse or harm caused by a church or its leader. I’m passionate about this because I want to see people healed, and I want to see people living for God in a positive way.
One of the things I hear a lot is, the church didn’t hurt you people did. While there is truth to that, we have to understand that the church has spent years saying that the church is not a building that you attend, it is the people. We can’t say the church is not a building, but people, and then turn around and say the church didn’t hurt you, people did.
I know why we say that, because the church as a whole is much bigger than that. But for the person who was hurt, the visible church that they have seen and interacted with has hurt them. We have to accept that.
Paul referring to the body of Christ says,
1st Corinthians 12:26 “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” This passage highlights the interconnectedness and empathy that should characterize the body of Christ, and it calls us to support and uplift one another in times of pain.
As a body, we have to own the fact that at times we have cannibalized our own members. We have pushed people away, and we have injured parts of Christ’s body through carelessness, abuse, neglect, legalism, unfit leaders, and so many other things.
I know in our current cultural climate that victimhood can be seen as a virtue. Victimhood is rewarded more often than not. This causes people to seek out offense, to seek out wrongdoings, but we cannot allow ourselves to become desensitized to the point that we ignore or dismiss legitimate hurt.
We can’t minimize it, we can’t make excuses for it. We as a church have to own it and look to heal those who have been hurt. The gospel isn’t just a tool to get people in the doors, it is the power of God unto salvation. Let it save the lost, but also the hurting, and let it transform the church.
This is where we need to distinguish it from something else. Accountability. This can be taken in many different directions but not every instance of church hurt is legitimate. What do I mean? Sometimes people will feel like the church has let them down because they were told they couldn’t be on the praise team, they couldn’t be on the leadership team, possibly because of sin in their lives or behavioral issues, or their personal values went against the values of the local church.
This is where the church cannot apologize. If someone has values and desires that contradict the values of the local church, we cannot be held responsible for holding to the standard of Scripture. We cannot compromise our integrity and our convictions in order to appease people who have no desire to follow the lifestyle of a genuine Christian.
Being held accountable for your own actions and choices is not abusive nor can it be categorized as church hurt. The church has to conform to Christ, not the culture.
We might have to turn people away due to the cultural issues of our day, people wanting to be affirmed in their sin cannot be leaders in God’s church. We have to stand for truth or we will stand for nothing.
But where people are trying, where people are wanting to follow Christ. We have to be willing to embrace them and validate their experiences.
How do we deal with church hurt? If someone has legitimately been harmed by the church how do we help them heal?
Define the church hurt as abuse. Here are some examples, “He attacked that young girl God made. That was an abuse of church power.” “She taught me that I wasn’t worthy of God’s love, That was an abuse of church power.” They told my secrets to others and called it prayer. That was an abuse of church power. He told me that my abusive husband’s behavior was my fault. That was an abuse of church power. She said my depression was a result of a lack of faith. That was an abuse of church power.
Separate the Church Hurt from God’s Character. Some aspects of God’s character are crystal clear in Scripture. If you feel busted up or beaten down by a church community, it is important to step back and remind yourself who God is apart from the hurtful actions. God loves justice, mercy, and humility (Micah 6:8), God is for the poor in spirit, the grief-stricken, the humble, the broken-hearted, and the peacemakers (Matthew 5:1-12), God stands against the proud, and for the humble (James 4:6), God is love (1 John 4:7), God’s presence shows up as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). You may also look to the life of Jesus and notice how he interacted with various types of people. He was clear about his stance towards individuals in these three categories: abusers of power (Matthew 23, Mark 9:42, Luke 11:43-44); the sufferers (Luke 17:12-16, John 9:6-7); and he marginalized (Mark 2:15-16, Luke 7:36-39, John 4:25-26).
Recover your power. If you have experienced church hurt, it can cause you to feel helpless and alone. In order to reclaim your power you need to set boundaries with those responsible for the pain. Then, you also need to heal the agony inside your own soul. But, in order to heal, you’ll need the help of safe people. This is where the Church can come in.
How we can minister to those who have been hurt?
Listen without judgment. Allow people to share their stories, feelings, and questions without trying to fix, argue, or dismiss them. Validate their experiences and emotions, and offer a safe and confidential space for them to process and heal.
Apologize and repent. If you or your church have contributed to someone’s hurt, take responsibility and seek forgiveness. Acknowledge the harm done, express remorse, and commit to making things right. Be willing to learn from feedback and make changes as needed.
Provide resources and referrals. Offer practical help and guidance, such as counseling, therapy, support groups, or other resources that can address the specific needs and challenges of those who have been hurt. Connect them with trusted professionals or organizations that can provide specialized care.
Pray and Worship together. Invite people to participate in prayer, worship, and other spiritual practices that can foster a connection with God and others. Create a space where they can express their doubts, struggles, and hopes, and encounter God’s presence and love. Too often people experience church hurt and vow to never attend another church. This is tragic. We were not created to do this on our own. We were created for community. We need each other! Don’t let pain and harm keep you from missing out on the community of God.
So how can we protect ourselves from harm?
We live in a fallen world, we are surrounded by fallen people. The church is not and will never be perfect. So how can we minimize the hurt or the harm that can come as a result?
1) Guard our heart. Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
As I mentioned earlier, too often I have seen people become bitter and angry towards the church due to the real harm that they experienced. Unfortunately, I have seen that without an intervention of the Spirit of God in their lives they will hold on to that bitterness. This causes them to reject the community of God even when that community can offer healing and rest.
Remember, bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. We can’t live like that. We have to guard our heart.
To guard your heart is to filter your emotions, desires, thoughts, and responses through His Word. We cannot let pain and harm push us away from God and from a community.
2) Don’t give room to offense. Proverbs 18:19 “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and quarrels are like the bars of a citadel.”
Offense from those close to us tend to cut deeper and cause more pain than the same offense that might come from a stranger. We have to be able to recognize offense when it comes. This is easier said than done, it's hard not to get offended when the place you come to for hope and for freedom leaves you bound and distressed.
We come to church to be uplifted, to experience the love of God, and to feel his presence. When we experience hurt, injustice, or abuse it's hard not to let that offend us.
If we are not careful we can allow this offense to fester to the point that it affects our relationship with God. None of us are immune to this. We have to be on guard.
Matthew 11:2-6 “Now when John heard in prison about the deeds of the Christ, he sent word by his disciples and said to him, Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another? And Jesus answered, Go and tell John what you hear and see: the blind receive their sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up, and he poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is the one who is not offended in me.”
This is a fascinating passage of Scripture. Earlier in John’s ministry when he was preaching to the crowds he saw Jesus coming and he immediately knew who he was.
John 1:29-34 “The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! This is the one I meant when I said, A man who comes after me he has surpassed me because he was before me. I myself did not know him, but the reason I came baptizing with water was that he might be revealed to Israel. Then John gave this testimony: I saw the Spirit come down from heaven as a dove and remain on him. And I myself did not know him, but the one who sent me to baptize with water told me, The man on whom you see the Spirit come down and remain is the one who will baptized with the Holy Spirit. I have seen and I testify that this is God’s Chosen One.”
Think about how drastically different these two passages are. In John 1 we see John operating in his ministry, doing what God asked him to do, and immediately and clearly he recognized who Jesus was. He pointed him out and even said, I testify that this is God’s Chosen One.
Fast forward, John still doing what he was called to do, He has called out Herod and now finds himself in prison. Now all of a sudden his expectations were thrown off. Everything he expected to happen didn’t happen. Now he finds himself in a circumstance that he never saw coming. This is the place we all find ourselves in when God doesn’t meet our expectations. When we experience hurt and abuse at the hands of God’s church we can look around and realize, this isn’t what I expected. We can feel let down and discouraged, when this happens our faith will falter. It is here that he sends his disciples to Jesus to ask him, Are you him?
How does someone go from being absolutely convinced of who Jesus is, to doubting if he is even the messiah? Offense.
When I look around at the deconstruction movement, the movement that is trying to delegitimize the Bible, that is allowing the culture to dictate how we view God I see people who used to be so convinced of who God is, so convinced of what was right. But offense came.
So how do we navigate this? How do we deal with the hurt and heal from the pain without becoming offended?
Forgiveness.
This seems cliche and definitely not something our culture will endorse. But forgiveness has more to do with your own healing than it does with letting someone off the hook. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there won’t be accountability for the wrongs that were committed. It simply means I will not allow the other person to control me.
Ephesians 4:2-3 “Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourself united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future.”
1 Peter 2:21-22 “For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps. He never sinned, nor ever deceived anyone. He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly.”
1 Peter 4:7-8 “The end of the world is coming soon. Therefore, be earnest and disciplined in your prayers. Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.”
Just like Christ covered our sins on the cross displaying his love for us. We too should cover the sins of each other in love. Hopefully, by now you realize I’m not saying to ignore the hurts and harm done by others. But as Christ was able to pray while on the cross, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” We should be forgiving those who have wronged us. It is the only way we can heal.
Forgiveness is the key to breaking the power of offense. It is the key to unlocking freedom from the bondage that church hurt and spiritual abuse can put on you.
Again, it's not about forgiving them to let them off the hook. It is to liberate you from the pain that the hurt has caused you. To help you heal and move on.
We can respond to church hurt in a healthy way that leads to healing and forgiveness. But we must remember that the church is made up of flawed imperfect people who are all in need of God’s grace and love. So let us extend grace and love to each other, just as God has extended his grace to us. And let us continue to seek God’s guidance as we navigate the ups and downs of life in community.
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